Grampa: Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [walks out]

Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.

Homer: AAGHH! My toolshed!

Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...

Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral.

Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.

Homer: Woohoo!

Marge: Do you follow my husband around?

Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

[phone rings]

Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.

Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.

Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm:

Arnie Pie: Mayday! Mayday! We're going down. Tell my wife I love...

Kent Brockman: [chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is... [takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]

Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?

Moe: Oh crap.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.

Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone line.

Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?

Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.

On the Duff Book of Records:

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book?

Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.

Homer: Woo hoo! She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's! [runs away and drives off]

Marge: I never agreed to that rule!

Homer discovers the local baseball team is relocating, and he calls a media conference, only to find that the evidence has been removed by the team's owner, Mr Duff:

Kent Brockman: Sooo, let me get this straight, Mr Duff. The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque?

Mr Duff: Absolutely not.

Kent: So, are you calling Homer Simpson a liar?

Mr Duff: Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire.

Homer goes to Hullabalooza, a rock concert featuring freakish sideshow acts:

Rock musician: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.

Homer [shakes his hand]: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer gets kicked out of Moes and has to find a new bar to drink in:

Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking!

Homer's liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts...

Mrs. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court! What great men he would join: John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher... Mmmmm... burger.

Marge: I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?

Homer: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Homer: Hey, I smell cake! Cake that says [sniffs] 'Farewell', and...[sniffs more] "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh that's nothing: he can hear pudding.

Homer scrounges around under the couch:

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!

Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Homer: Explain how!

Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can’t both our kids be good?

Marge: We have three kids, Homer.

Homer: Marge, the dog doesn’t count as a child!

Marge: No: Maggie!!

Homer: Oh, right.

Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.

Marge: You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help.

Homer: No no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.

Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Ned: Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.

Homer: Oh yeah, the judge made me do that once, too. Stupid lack of public urinals.

Marge: Homer, remember you promised you’d try to limit pork to six servings a week?

Homer: Marge, I’m only human!

Marge: We’re just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer: Well, you now, we’re always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn’t even have!

Marge: You bought a car? Without consulting me?

Homer: I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat!

Marge: I found this hat!

Homer bursts into the bedroom in the middle of the night:

Marge: Homer, it's 2 am. What happened?

Homer: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said "Don't be Afraid."

Marge: Have you been drinking?

Homer: No! Well... ten beers.

In a fit of anger, Homer sends Mr Burns a nasty letter, but then sneaks into his office and tries to get it back before he opens it:

Mr Burns: Who the devil are you?

Homer's Brain: Don't panic, just come up with a good story.

Homer: My name is Mr Burns.

Homer's Brain: D'oh!

Homer needs numbers for the lottery:

Homer [on phone]: Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh, and what's your birthday? No kidding. And Lisa's birthday? What? You don't even know your sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?

While playing golf:

Homer: That shot is impossible; Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it.

Bart is worried that Sideshow Bob is out to get him:

Homer: You're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes.

Marge: We're very proud of you, by the way.

Homer: And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could.

Marge: But he's safely locked away.

Homer: In a minimum security prison.

Marge: For life.

Homer: Unless he gets out somehow.

Marge: Which is impossible.

Homer: Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before...

The Simpsons are low on funds and need to make a few sacrifices:

Lisa: I'll stop buying Malibu Stacey clothing.

Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up!

Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.

Lisa: But he didn't do anything!

Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?....Hey wait a minute: he didn't! [snatches the dollar back]

Lisa uncovers the real truth about Springfield's founder, Jebediah Springfield:

Historical Society Curator: That's preposterous! Get out! You're banned from this historical society! You, and your children, and your children's children!...For three months.

Lisa: Watch yourself dad, you're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.