Homer wants to gain more weight so he can be classed as obese and work from home, so he gets some advice from Dr. Nick:

Dr Nick: You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the choc-o-tastic!

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?

Dr Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!

Dr Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain! Bye bye, everybody!

Homer's brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.

Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Marge: Oh my God!

Homer's brain: No, the other secret!

Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.

Marge: That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. No wait, maybe it does....

Homer meets a representative from Readers Digest:

Homer : "Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really... really................good."

Homer: "Chair goes round, chair goes round. Whee!"

Lenny: "Hey Homer, ya busy?"

Homer: "Yes."

Lenny: "There's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we should say hi to him."

Homer: "I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick."

Homer: "When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities."

Grampa recounts a war story:

Abe: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles...

Mr Burns: "Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved."

Homer: "I see. Well, I'll need some beer."

New neighbour Ruth: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield. Especially after reading Time magazine's cover story: 'America's Worst City'.

Marge: You could see our house in that photo!

Homer uses the car to transport used grease:

Bart: "Mom's going to kill you!"

Homer: "If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys."

Hutz:  Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson.  Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.  Here's my card.  It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.   Homer: Ooh, classy.

Doug 'The Tool Man': You know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary or Olympic-size swimming pool. In fact, it's a snap. [snaps fingers; a barbecue pit with a chicken on the rotisserie appears] Or, if you're not into chicken...
Homer: No, no! I'm into chicken!
Doug: ...how about wild boar? Or swordfish? Or hippo? [snaps fingers and each type of food magically appears]
Homer: Mmm ... hippo.
Voiceover announcer: Lighthearted apron not included. Snapping fingers may not make food appear.
Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

Fidel Castro: Comrads, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon communism.

Castro's assistants: [collective sigh]

Castro: I know, I know, I know... but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly! I'll call Washington and tell them they won.

Assistant 1: But Presidente, America tried to kill you!

Castro: Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco.

Assistant 2: [whispers in Castro's ear]

Castro: It's full of WHAT?!

Homer: Would you look at those morons... I paid my taxes over a year ago!

Kent Brockman: Tardy tax payers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?

Otto: Taxes?! Isn't this the line for Metallica?

Homer: I've wasted half my life, Marge. You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it!

Marge: You're thirty-nine.

Homer: ...And these Hardy Boys books are great, too! This one's about smugglers.

Bart: They're all about smugglers.

Homer: No, not this one! "The Smugglers of Pirate Cove". It's about pirates.

Homer: Well, I quit my job, just like you said to.

Marge: I didn't tell you to quit your job!

Homer: Yes, you did! I remember your exact words. You said I should quit my job, and beome an inventor, or you'd torch the house.

Marge: That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant.

Homer: [chuckling] Not the way I quit.

Kent Brockman: Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

The Simpsons try out a new steakhouse call The Slaughter House:

Homer: Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got? 72 ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly underpantsy pink doily tea party place.

Waiter: Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request. We call it the 'Sir-Loin-A-Lot'. It's the size of a boogie board.

Homer: Oooh! I'll have that one. And to drink: meatballs.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what’s separates us from the animals..... Except the weasel.

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless!

Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time.

Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime solving boat.

Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week -- besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example.

Bart: Says you, woman.

Homer is elected Springfield's new Sanitation Commissioner:

Marge: How could you spend 4.6 million dollars in a month?

Homer: They let me sign cheques with a stamp, Marge! A stamp!

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

Lisa: Really? Where?

Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

Marge takes Bart clothes shopping:

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the people who wear them get beaten up.

Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Marge tries desperately to avoid flying to their holiday destination:

Marge: Oh we'll have to turn back! I forgot to clean the lint out of the dryer: If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire!

Mayor Quimby: You can't possibly want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women look more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter", you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools' Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.

Homer: God bless those pagans!