Grampa embarrasses Bart at Springfield Elementary's Grandparents' Day:

Bart: And then, he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories?

Homer: Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.

Lisa: You already put him in a home.

Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.

Homer wants to gain more weight so he can be classed as obese and work from home, so he gets some advice from Dr. Nick:

Dr Nick: You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the choc-o-tastic!

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?

Dr Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!

Dr Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain! Bye bye, everybody!

Homer's brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.

Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Marge: Oh my God!

Homer's brain: No, the other secret!

Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.

Marge: That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. No wait, maybe it does....

Homer meets a representative from Readers Digest:

Homer : "Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really... really................good."

Homer: "Chair goes round, chair goes round. Whee!"

Lenny: "Hey Homer, ya busy?"

Homer: "Yes."

Lenny: "There's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we should say hi to him."

Homer: "I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick."

Homer: "When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities."

Grampa recounts a war story:

Abe: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles...

Mr Burns: "Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved."

Homer: "I see. Well, I'll need some beer."

New neighbour Ruth: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield. Especially after reading Time magazine's cover story: 'America's Worst City'.

Marge: You could see our house in that photo!

Homer uses the car to transport used grease:

Bart: "Mom's going to kill you!"

Homer: "If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys."

Hutz:  Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson.  Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.  Here's my card.  It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.   Homer: Ooh, classy.

Doug 'The Tool Man': You know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary or Olympic-size swimming pool. In fact, it's a snap. [snaps fingers; a barbecue pit with a chicken on the rotisserie appears] Or, if you're not into chicken...
Homer: No, no! I'm into chicken!
Doug: ...how about wild boar? Or swordfish? Or hippo? [snaps fingers and each type of food magically appears]
Homer: Mmm ... hippo.
Voiceover announcer: Lighthearted apron not included. Snapping fingers may not make food appear.
Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

Fidel Castro: Comrads, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon communism.

Castro's assistants: [collective sigh]

Castro: I know, I know, I know... but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly! I'll call Washington and tell them they won.

Assistant 1: But Presidente, America tried to kill you!

Castro: Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco.

Assistant 2: [whispers in Castro's ear]

Castro: It's full of WHAT?!

Homer: Would you look at those morons... I paid my taxes over a year ago!

Kent Brockman: Tardy tax payers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?

Otto: Taxes?! Isn't this the line for Metallica?

Homer: I've wasted half my life, Marge. You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it!

Marge: You're thirty-nine.

Homer: ...And these Hardy Boys books are great, too! This one's about smugglers.

Bart: They're all about smugglers.

Homer: No, not this one! "The Smugglers of Pirate Cove". It's about pirates.

Homer: Well, I quit my job, just like you said to.

Marge: I didn't tell you to quit your job!

Homer: Yes, you did! I remember your exact words. You said I should quit my job, and beome an inventor, or you'd torch the house.

Marge: That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant.

Homer: [chuckling] Not the way I quit.

Kent Brockman: Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

The Simpsons try out a new steakhouse call The Slaughter House:

Homer: Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got? 72 ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly underpantsy pink doily tea party place.

Waiter: Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request. We call it the 'Sir-Loin-A-Lot'. It's the size of a boogie board.

Homer: Oooh! I'll have that one. And to drink: meatballs.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what’s separates us from the animals..... Except the weasel.

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless!

Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time.

Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime solving boat.

Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week -- besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example.

Bart: Says you, woman.

Homer is elected Springfield's new Sanitation Commissioner:

Marge: How could you spend 4.6 million dollars in a month?

Homer: They let me sign cheques with a stamp, Marge! A stamp!

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

Lisa: Really? Where?

Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

Marge takes Bart clothes shopping:

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the people who wear them get beaten up.

Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Marge tries desperately to avoid flying to their holiday destination:

Marge: Oh we'll have to turn back! I forgot to clean the lint out of the dryer: If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire!

Mayor Quimby: You can't possibly want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women look more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter", you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools' Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.

Homer: God bless those pagans!

Grampa: Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [walks out]

Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.

Homer: AAGHH! My toolshed!

Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...

Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral.

Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.

Homer: Woohoo!

Marge: Do you follow my husband around?

Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

[phone rings]

Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.

Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.

Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm:

Arnie Pie: Mayday! Mayday! We're going down. Tell my wife I love...

Kent Brockman: [chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is... [takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]

Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?

Moe: Oh crap.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.

Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone line.

Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?

Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.

On the Duff Book of Records:

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book?

Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.

Homer: Woo hoo! She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's! [runs away and drives off]

Marge: I never agreed to that rule!

Homer discovers the local baseball team is relocating, and he calls a media conference, only to find that the evidence has been removed by the team's owner, Mr Duff:

Kent Brockman: Sooo, let me get this straight, Mr Duff. The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque?

Mr Duff: Absolutely not.

Kent: So, are you calling Homer Simpson a liar?

Mr Duff: Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire.

Homer goes to Hullabalooza, a rock concert featuring freakish sideshow acts:

Rock musician: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.

Homer [shakes his hand]: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer gets kicked out of Moes and has to find a new bar to drink in:

Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking!

Homer's liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts...

Mrs. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court! What great men he would join: John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher... Mmmmm... burger.

Marge: I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?

Homer: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Homer: Hey, I smell cake! Cake that says [sniffs] 'Farewell', and...[sniffs more] "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh that's nothing: he can hear pudding.

Homer scrounges around under the couch:

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!

Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Homer: Explain how!

Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can’t both our kids be good?

Marge: We have three kids, Homer.

Homer: Marge, the dog doesn’t count as a child!

Marge: No: Maggie!!

Homer: Oh, right.

Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.

Marge: You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help.

Homer: No no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.

Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Ned: Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.

Homer: Oh yeah, the judge made me do that once, too. Stupid lack of public urinals.

Marge: Homer, remember you promised you’d try to limit pork to six servings a week?

Homer: Marge, I’m only human!

Marge: We’re just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer: Well, you now, we’re always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn’t even have!

Marge: You bought a car? Without consulting me?

Homer: I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat!

Marge: I found this hat!

Homer bursts into the bedroom in the middle of the night:

Marge: Homer, it's 2 am. What happened?

Homer: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said "Don't be Afraid."

Marge: Have you been drinking?

Homer: No! Well... ten beers.

In a fit of anger, Homer sends Mr Burns a nasty letter, but then sneaks into his office and tries to get it back before he opens it:

Mr Burns: Who the devil are you?

Homer's Brain: Don't panic, just come up with a good story.

Homer: My name is Mr Burns.

Homer's Brain: D'oh!

Homer needs numbers for the lottery:

Homer [on phone]: Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh, and what's your birthday? No kidding. And Lisa's birthday? What? You don't even know your sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?

While playing golf:

Homer: That shot is impossible; Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it.

Bart is worried that Sideshow Bob is out to get him:

Homer: You're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes.

Marge: We're very proud of you, by the way.

Homer: And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could.

Marge: But he's safely locked away.

Homer: In a minimum security prison.

Marge: For life.

Homer: Unless he gets out somehow.

Marge: Which is impossible.

Homer: Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before...

The Simpsons are low on funds and need to make a few sacrifices:

Lisa: I'll stop buying Malibu Stacey clothing.

Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up!

Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.

Lisa: But he didn't do anything!

Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?....Hey wait a minute: he didn't! [snatches the dollar back]

Lisa uncovers the real truth about Springfield's founder, Jebediah Springfield:

Historical Society Curator: That's preposterous! Get out! You're banned from this historical society! You, and your children, and your children's children!...For three months.

Lisa: Watch yourself dad, you're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!

Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotion time and again, and I say: this stinks!

Homer manages to get one arm stuck in a candy vending machine and the other in a soft drink vending machine:

Homer: Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!

Rescuer: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw]

Homer: They'll grow back, right?

Rescuer: Oh, er.... yeah.

Homer: Whew!

Homer: "Well, today's the day for Homer J! I know I'm going to win this time."

Lenny: "Oh yeah? How come?"

Homer: "Union rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odour."

Despite Homer being the only employee left to receive this award, Mr Burns chooses to award it to an inanimate carbon rod instead.

Bart: "Hey, what the heck is your middle name anyway?"

Homer: "You know, I have no idea. Hey Dad, what does the J stand for?"

Grampa: "How should I know? It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking."

Man : "Are you Lionel Hutz ?"

Hutz : "Yes, I am. "

Man : "You owe me money."

Hutz : "Wait a minute -- [points at someone else] -- he's Lionel Hutz, I'm Lionel.. uh... I forgot my last name."

Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.

Lisa: Oh, no!

Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

The Simpsons are watching a new TV show called Police Cops:

Bart: This isn't bad.

Homer: Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind has ever done that's any better?

Lisa: The Renaissance?

Homer: This is better.

Homer temporarily fills in for Mr Smithers as assistant to Mr Burns:

Homer: Here are your messages:

"You have 30 minutes to move your car",

"You have 10 minutes",

"Your car has been impounded",

"Your car has been crushed into a cube",

"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".

[phone rings]

Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.

Mr Burns [anxiously]: Is it about my cube?

Frank Grimes [watching Homer in the cafeteria]: God, he eats like a pig!

Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I’d say he eats more like a duck.

Marge reveals that she always secretly thought Homer & Patty might have fancied each other:

Homer [spitting out his tea]: "Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty."

Homer trains to be a monorail conductor:

Course Instructor: "Mono = one. Rail = rail. That ends our comprehensive three week course."

Homer does the 'back to school' shopping with the kids:

Bart: "I need this candy for school... for candy class."

Homer: "Well, OK. But you better get 5 bags in case we eat 4 on the way home."

Homer organises a second wedding for Marge:

Rev. Lovejoy: Dearly beloved...

Homer: Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life. [scratches his butt and belches] Okay, ready.

Rev. Lovejoy: I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated..."[flicks through notecards] ... and it goes on like this.

Homer is shopping for a Valentines card for Marge:

Homer: [reading a Valentines card] "I cherish you, my precious. Mmm ... nah."

[gets another] "To a heck of a blacksmith. Nah, I already got him one."

[gets another, this time it has monkeys on it] "You're a-peeling, let's never split!"

[laughs] "It's funny, 'cause they're monkeys!"

[Shoves the other cards back in the display] "So long, rejects!"

Bart brings his dog to school:

Ralph: "Um, Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent."

Miss Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?"

Principal Skinner explains the joy of astronomy to Bart:

Skinner: "Sitting still... being quiet...writing down numbers...paying attention. Yes sir, science has it all."

Marge: "Homer, we need to talk to you."

Homer: "But then I wouldn't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in."

At the chilli cook-off Homer swallows some super-hot chillies:

Mayor Quimby: "This can't be happening."

Dr Hibbert: "By all medical logic, steam should be coming out of his ears."

Krusty: "His ears if we're lucky!"

The Simpsons' neighbours are moving out:

Neighbours (to Homer): "There's a few things you could do to help us sell our house. When you walk past your window, could you please wear pants."

Marge has a night out with a friend, so Homer decides to do the same:

Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.
Homer: Oh Lisa, haven't you seen 'Home Alone'? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humourous and entertaining situation.

Homer and Marge look for a new house:

Marge: "What's that stench?" [opens curtains to reveal a factory next door].

Real Estate Agent [covering his face with a handkerchief]: "Once you get used to the smell of burning hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it."

Homer: "Mmmm...hog fat."

Homer gives advice to Krusty on parenting:

Homer: Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh man, that would be sweet.

Dr Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer: Say it in English, Doc.

Dr Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.

Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.

Dr Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

The students watch a film about the founding of Springfield:

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Mrs Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.

Ms.Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Officer Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Officer Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!

Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8!

Officer Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Moe: "That is the stupidest story I ever heard - - and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series."

Homer: I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping it's speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down'.

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Bart sells his soul to Milhouse and wants it back:

Milhouse: I'm really sorry. I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back. In pog form.