Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!

Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotion time and again, and I say: this stinks!

Homer manages to get one arm stuck in a candy vending machine and the other in a soft drink vending machine:

Homer: Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!

Rescuer: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw]

Homer: They'll grow back, right?

Rescuer: Oh, er.... yeah.

Homer: Whew!

Homer: "Well, today's the day for Homer J! I know I'm going to win this time."

Lenny: "Oh yeah? How come?"

Homer: "Union rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odour."

Despite Homer being the only employee left to receive this award, Mr Burns chooses to award it to an inanimate carbon rod instead.

Bart: "Hey, what the heck is your middle name anyway?"

Homer: "You know, I have no idea. Hey Dad, what does the J stand for?"

Grampa: "How should I know? It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking."

Man : "Are you Lionel Hutz ?"

Hutz : "Yes, I am. "

Man : "You owe me money."

Hutz : "Wait a minute -- [points at someone else] -- he's Lionel Hutz, I'm Lionel.. uh... I forgot my last name."

Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.

Lisa: Oh, no!

Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

The Simpsons are watching a new TV show called Police Cops:

Bart: This isn't bad.

Homer: Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind has ever done that's any better?

Lisa: The Renaissance?

Homer: This is better.

Homer temporarily fills in for Mr Smithers as assistant to Mr Burns:

Homer: Here are your messages:

"You have 30 minutes to move your car",

"You have 10 minutes",

"Your car has been impounded",

"Your car has been crushed into a cube",

"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".

[phone rings]

Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.

Mr Burns [anxiously]: Is it about my cube?

Frank Grimes [watching Homer in the cafeteria]: God, he eats like a pig!

Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I’d say he eats more like a duck.

Marge reveals that she always secretly thought Homer & Patty might have fancied each other:

Homer [spitting out his tea]: "Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty."

Homer trains to be a monorail conductor:

Course Instructor: "Mono = one. Rail = rail. That ends our comprehensive three week course."

Homer does the 'back to school' shopping with the kids:

Bart: "I need this candy for school... for candy class."

Homer: "Well, OK. But you better get 5 bags in case we eat 4 on the way home."

Homer organises a second wedding for Marge:

Rev. Lovejoy: Dearly beloved...

Homer: Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life. [scratches his butt and belches] Okay, ready.

Rev. Lovejoy: I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated..."[flicks through notecards] ... and it goes on like this.

Homer is shopping for a Valentines card for Marge:

Homer: [reading a Valentines card] "I cherish you, my precious. Mmm ... nah."

[gets another] "To a heck of a blacksmith. Nah, I already got him one."

[gets another, this time it has monkeys on it] "You're a-peeling, let's never split!"

[laughs] "It's funny, 'cause they're monkeys!"

[Shoves the other cards back in the display] "So long, rejects!"

Bart brings his dog to school:

Ralph: "Um, Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent."

Miss Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?"

Principal Skinner explains the joy of astronomy to Bart:

Skinner: "Sitting still... being quiet...writing down numbers...paying attention. Yes sir, science has it all."

Marge: "Homer, we need to talk to you."

Homer: "But then I wouldn't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in."

At the chilli cook-off Homer swallows some super-hot chillies:

Mayor Quimby: "This can't be happening."

Dr Hibbert: "By all medical logic, steam should be coming out of his ears."

Krusty: "His ears if we're lucky!"

The Simpsons' neighbours are moving out:

Neighbours (to Homer): "There's a few things you could do to help us sell our house. When you walk past your window, could you please wear pants."

Marge has a night out with a friend, so Homer decides to do the same:

Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.
Homer: Oh Lisa, haven't you seen 'Home Alone'? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humourous and entertaining situation.

Homer and Marge look for a new house:

Marge: "What's that stench?" [opens curtains to reveal a factory next door].

Real Estate Agent [covering his face with a handkerchief]: "Once you get used to the smell of burning hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it."

Homer: "Mmmm...hog fat."

Homer gives advice to Krusty on parenting:

Homer: Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh man, that would be sweet.

Dr Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer: Say it in English, Doc.

Dr Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.

Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.

Dr Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

The students watch a film about the founding of Springfield:

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Mrs Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.

Ms.Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Officer Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Officer Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!

Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8!

Officer Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Moe: "That is the stupidest story I ever heard - - and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series."

Homer: I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping it's speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down'.